You've kissed your manager's ass all year with unmatched vigour and determination. Now what about your team? Will they eat your bullshit and call it Swiss chocolate? Maybe. But what you don't you know is whether your facade of competence is actually as fake as the concern you claim to have for your direct reports. Here are ways to keep your team swallowing the bs well until the next promotion you get that allows you to ditch responsibility for the things you alledgedly were trying to accomplish:
1. Play the happy clown. Show up early, stay late. Sure, you won't be doing anything but attending meetings and pretending to take on action items that you then delegate to someone who might have a clue, but nothing earns respect better than being seen at the office!
2. Save some of your tongue for your equals. You can only fellate your manager so many times before he has blue balls. Why not lick the rectum of the other people who report to him as well? Lord knows that's better and easier than actually figuring out your own team's needs and issues.
3. Manage sporadically. Nobody likes it when their boss knows all their shit. Spend most of your time being as oblivious to your team's day-to-day duties as you can. It won't matter anyway. By the time any project has been around long enough to fail, you'll have moved on to that new promotion to start other projects that you can also leave behind to the poor SOB that replaces you there. It's like growing a mustache. Why would you shave it for 25 years when you can instead keep it groomed and saying, "I'm partying like it's still 1978!"
4. Spread the bullshit. Everyone is saying bullshit. Good managers spread it around so that everyone gets a piece. After all, if you say bs to the same person all the time, they may be able to prove your incompetence. Think of it as a minefield. The best minefields are unpredictable. Whatever you do, don't keep a map of the steaming piles you've left behind.
5. Laugh at the monkeys. Your team doesn't like you. Fuck 'em. Tell them the same story over and over like it's the first time you've told them the story. Associate a person with something and always refer to it when talking to the person. If you know Johnny went to summr camp in Santa Fe when he was 12, repeating that everytime you see him demonstrates that you know 1 single thing about him. It keeps him in his place. Nothing says, "You're expendable" like your boss demonstrating that he doesn't need to make an effort. When you tire of that, you can always talk about Grand Funk Railroad! devil's salute
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