Nothing can shift employee morale like a cubicle change. Put them in the basement under a leaky pipe, and they could come at you with a knife (if their new security card gave them access to anything but said basement). Change them frequently and their annoyance at the constant changes could transform into a search for a new job (if they had the time, once finished unpacking and all the extra assignments you've given them at the same time).
Remember, you are the King. They are the pawns. The whole point of having peons is for them to be peed on.
5/22/2007
Hasta la vista: Banana hammock
I'm off to alligator alley to hang out with the grandparents. I bet I have the biggest banana hammock on the beach!
5/21/2007
5/18/2007
5/16/2007
Mental Floss: Puppies
Your direct reports are like puppies. They look all cute and innocent, but then you turn your back and they're ripping your child's arms off and humping your classic GI Joe action figure.
The dogs of war won't negotiate
The dogs of war don't capitulate,
They will take and you will give,
And you must die so that they may live
-- "Dogs of War", from Pink Floyd's BEST album ever, 1987's "A Momentary Lapse of Reason"
What the fuck happened to...
... the good old days?
Back then, everyone knew their place. I wouldn't have to listen to anyone else, as I pretend to do right now.
Back then, everyone knew their place. I wouldn't have to listen to anyone else, as I pretend to do right now.
Mental Floss: Stability
How to treat the pains in your ass at work? The people who demand accountability, who don't accept cliches for an answer, and expect you to justify your paycheck? There is no easy answer. The best solution is to climb high enough so you can fire them. Their competence should be their downfall.
5/11/2007
Aural Sex: Working for the weekend
You want a piece of my heart
You better start from start
You wanna be in the show
Come on baby let's go
Mental Floss: Trapped
Race to meeting, deliberately 13 minutes late (fuck 'em).
Lifeless drones, direct reports, sit in their chairs trying to hide their contempt (fuck 'em).
I ramble off about a bunch of bullshit I saw on some management site (fuck 'em).
It's 20 minutes past the meeting's end time (fuck 'em).
I'm still rambling on about dashboard and synergies. Do I even know what I'm talking about (fuck 'em)?
Mental Floss: Fishbowl
"He keeps calling me every 5 minutes but doesn't leave messages. Is he like a goldfish who's surprised at seeing that castle everytime he turns the corner?"
-- Anonymous
5/10/2007
Mad Props: Moan-tivation
Every now and then I must link to genius. Good motivational tips are so hard to find.
http://www.regent.edu/acad/schbus/maz/busreview/issue5/losefriends.html
6. Pay people less than they’re worth. Give raises based on factors they cannot influence or, for more fun, based on their performance relative to one another.
http://www.regent.edu/acad/schbus/maz/busreview/issue5/losefriends.html
6. Pay people less than they’re worth. Give raises based on factors they cannot influence or, for more fun, based on their performance relative to one another.
5/09/2007
Cubicalls to action: Hiring talent
Get resume.
Vodka.
Superficial review. Meaningless buzzwords. Useless degrees. Unverified skills.
Fat blunt.
Sleep through interview. Mindfuck. Pretend to give a shit. More mindfucking.
8-ball.
Hold onto resume for 4.7 months.
Cocaine off a hooker's asscrack.
Hire. Underpay. Treat like snotrag. Laugh.
Cash bonus check. Repeat.
Mad Props: My dad
Today's Mad Prop goes to my main homey. The man with the plan. Lady killah. Smooth dresser. Pimped rider. Insane playboy who learned me all my mad skillz.
My Pappy turns a sprightly 95 today.
My Pappy turns a sprightly 95 today.
Aural Sex: 2/3
"Two out of three ain't bad."
It sure ain't! It's enough for my bonus, but yours requires reaching 3/4. So sorry.
Mental Floss: Obstacles
"The greater the obstacle the more fun it is to place it in front of our colleagues to watch them suffer."
-- Anonymous
5/07/2007
Mental floss: Taint
What do you want to be at work? The head? The heart? No, I say be the taint!
The taint is in the middle of all the action, but is not of the action. Interesting things happen all around you. When people remember events that transpired, they'll remember that you were in the thick of things. You can take credit for the good stuff that came, and claim ignorance of the bad shit that went down.
Remember: Be the grassy knoll.
The taint is in the middle of all the action, but is not of the action. Interesting things happen all around you. When people remember events that transpired, they'll remember that you were in the thick of things. You can take credit for the good stuff that came, and claim ignorance of the bad shit that went down.
Remember: Be the grassy knoll.
5/04/2007
Life Pics: My other sweet ride
Re-reading my Hoop-D post got me all sentimental-like. Here's my other sweet ride.
5/03/2007
Profiles in courage: Ned Flanders
"Listen, folks, there's no magic formula. I just follow the three C's : clean living, chewing thoroughly and a daily dose of vitamin church."
-- Ned Flanders
Slow and steady wins the race.
Kind and thoughful and full of grace.
Always helpful smiling face.
Ned Flanders, such an ace!
5/02/2007
Life Pics: My Hoop-D
If it's a sunny Friday
look and you'll see
yours truly in the hood
blasting tunes from my hoop-d.
Aight? Word to yo grammy.
Mental Floss: Keeping abreast
I love the classics. Your Foghats, Deep Purples, and Focus(eses). But you gotta keep it fresh, keep it real, keep it on the q-tip, aight? I've already reach the pinnicle of my professional career, I could phone it in. But I don't front that way, yo. Every day I read the Wikipedia to find out new catch phrases the kids are using, with their cellular phones and during their no-commitment sex while on the internets surfing the Myspaces and the pets.coms.
There's a lesson in there for you, loyal reader.
There's a lesson in there for you, loyal reader.
5/01/2007
Change is good, but the Benjamins are better
When I was young and naive (really, I was both!) I used to swear a lot. I'd spend my time on the docks smoking blunts, combing my mullet, and whistling and screaming obscenities at the passing sailors.
Originally this blog was going to document the journey I undertook to stop swearing so much. It would have demonstrated the trials and tribulations of toning down my obscenities in favor of a calmer, cooler disposition where I didn't let anything get to me anymore. Nothing gets through to me now. I will not tear down my wall. The blog was going to document the changes where I got married, started primping, and become generally irrelevant.
While I believe in the capacity to change and better oneself, some things are just fun. There are few happier moments in life than creating a new swear word out of nothing. The day I first used 'assclown' is one of my happier memories, because that word has brought so much joy to my life. When my wife asked me to cut down on using the term 'douchebag', substituting 'assclown' made it not a chore but a delight. And the times where I said 'douch-assclown' brought us all joy at the difficulties of change.
At work, these words are replaced with words that make others swear. Like synergy. Dashboard. Roadmap. You know, words that are supposed to be represent actual thoughtful planning and execution but instead represent the final insult to your direct reports.
Change is possible, but only worthwhile if it makes you happy. I decided paper money is better than change.
Originally this blog was going to document the journey I undertook to stop swearing so much. It would have demonstrated the trials and tribulations of toning down my obscenities in favor of a calmer, cooler disposition where I didn't let anything get to me anymore. Nothing gets through to me now. I will not tear down my wall. The blog was going to document the changes where I got married, started primping, and become generally irrelevant.
While I believe in the capacity to change and better oneself, some things are just fun. There are few happier moments in life than creating a new swear word out of nothing. The day I first used 'assclown' is one of my happier memories, because that word has brought so much joy to my life. When my wife asked me to cut down on using the term 'douchebag', substituting 'assclown' made it not a chore but a delight. And the times where I said 'douch-assclown' brought us all joy at the difficulties of change.
At work, these words are replaced with words that make others swear. Like synergy. Dashboard. Roadmap. You know, words that are supposed to be represent actual thoughtful planning and execution but instead represent the final insult to your direct reports.
Change is possible, but only worthwhile if it makes you happy. I decided paper money is better than change.
Cubicalls to Action: Order
There's a language where crisis means opportunity. Or language means crisis. Or where you can languish in a critical opportunity. It's all good.
By creating chaos and poor communication, you actually set yourself up as a person who can repair such things. Because you know the root causes for the chaos (look in the mirror), you can also legitimately claim to have solutions for them. That = promotion!
Think of it this way. You get into work and when nobody's looking, you go out to the parking lot and slash a VP's tire. You make sure to leave at the same time. A little chit chat with the VP on the way to their car and, what, there's a flat? It's a good thing you noticed it before they drove off. By a stroke of fortune you have a tire repair kit in the backseat of your car. Imagine the luck! Dispatch a peon from your group to come out and repair the tire (you only get on your knees for one reason), and who's the hero of the day? Enjoy the country club membership and expense accounts.
By creating chaos and poor communication, you actually set yourself up as a person who can repair such things. Because you know the root causes for the chaos (look in the mirror), you can also legitimately claim to have solutions for them. That = promotion!
Think of it this way. You get into work and when nobody's looking, you go out to the parking lot and slash a VP's tire. You make sure to leave at the same time. A little chit chat with the VP on the way to their car and, what, there's a flat? It's a good thing you noticed it before they drove off. By a stroke of fortune you have a tire repair kit in the backseat of your car. Imagine the luck! Dispatch a peon from your group to come out and repair the tire (you only get on your knees for one reason), and who's the hero of the day? Enjoy the country club membership and expense accounts.
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